Emilie’s Diary: Post Mortem

Posted: February 16, 2014 in Philosophy, Psychology, Religion, Sex, Sex & Religion, Social

Republished earlier in Rational Hub blog in May 2012:

emlonely-300x199When I wrote that confessional article a few months back, it was intended as a reply to a thread post discussing the reasons that started our general questioning of religion.  It was in a closed group of about 20 very close friends.  I was being honest to answer the question, but what I had unleashed was more than I had anticipated.  My friends were very supportive and non-judgmental and I knew that of course, but the barrage of responses that followed was simply overwhelming.  I started to reply but had to quit soon after.  I was feeling emotions I could not describe.  It was more than I could handle.  I felt it flooding, suffocating me.  I haven’t completely figured it out yet so I have no further explanation to offer.

The pain was unbearable, I had to drown it with something, anything.  Alcohol accompanied by heavy dosage of loud music were my weapons of choice.  The music type that is noisy and loud that you cannot hear yourself think.  The kind that my mother hates.  Even so, I stayed off Facebook for days.  While my friends were faithfully typing replies with their humorous anecdotes and over-the-top comments.  I knew they were trying to distract me.  I knew they worried and cared.  Thanks, guys.

And so when I re-released the same article in this Rational Hub Blogs, and this time to a bigger audience, I had sincerely thought that the worst was over.  Oh, how wrong I was.  When my good friend Aiza commented that I seemed a little too detached taking in people’s responses, I said I felt nothing. I wasn’t lying either, while I continued making crude jokes about the whole situation.  No remorse.  However, one good thing about living a life sans blind faith is I continuously remind myself to remain open to other possibilities.  So I politely told her I don’t think so, however I acknowledged there is possibility that I was in complete and utter denial.

So everyone has been very kind.  I would like to thank each and everyone who has read and/or commented.  You see, I am very much alone.  I have no one.  I spent last year in and out of depression trying to end an abusive relationship.  He may be the one who seems to have an upper hand but reality is, I know he is afraid and tries to stop me from leaving.  It doesn’t help either that in the course of our seven year relationship,  I have managed to cut myself off even further from others.  I have successfully reduced my friendships to daily interaction with colleagues at work.  The way I see it, they are all inter-connected: my lack of religion, my obsession for learning, my quest to seek the truth, my unending curiosity, my childhood trauma, my lack of friends, my self-imposed seclusion, my well-guarded secrecy, my forever pretenses with family, and my abusive relationships with men.

I guess I came to Facebook to reconnect.  I didn’t know it at first, but as Aiza said, my every action was a scream for attention or a cry for help ever since that fateful day we met in February.  Yes, I needed help.  I was too proud to admit it that I wasn’t even aware of the fact.  Times like this, I wish I could go to my family.  But when you’ve kept the cause of it all a secret all your life, where do you even begin to confide your pain?  I simply don’t know how.  Besides, I have always been the rebel anyway whose chosen lifestyle provides source materials for family gossip.  Going to family would just earn me a few “I told you so”.  Religion sucks.  Big fucking time.

Comments
  1. Mdalwi says:

    Soory to hear ur story..i wish i was there to help..for now i can only pry…

  2. Tn Haji says:

    sad… but trust me read the Quran make u calm… May Allah help u find the way…

  3. Maryam says:

    i have been tru alot more than u do..i was raped until i was pregnant but i know Allah is still there for me..things happen in life doesn’t need to have a reason but as a human we have to walk this life anyway..i was left alone but Allah still have mercy for me and now I am grateful because I am close to Him.

    remember Allah never lets u walk alone in this life..He always there for you , just u have to put 100% in HIM…

  4. kawan jauh says:

    When i hear about u as details..what u face since 5 yrs old..it’s very pity on you..but life must be go on..please calm n chill..hopefully you can find something to help you..my bad luck seen like ur story..but i peaceful when i understood of Al-Quran..ur life is ur choice.. hope u well n get something as per i pray very honestly for you…actually misfortune is because Allah need our repentance as slaves..

  5. Hamba Allah says:

    Faham dan turut simpati…Percayalah ramai yang sudi mendampingi….Kembalilah pada Allah sayang….walau hebat diduga u must be stong dear….wake up…n move on with Alquran…bacalah…dalamilah….dan saya pasti akan tersentuh disanubari awak nanti.Semua jwapan tentang persoalan awak ada di dalamnya. Air mata saya mengalir sbb sya tahu awak taknak semua ni berlaku….pls….jangan sia2kn hdp awak….mahabbah fillah…wassalam

  6. puyee says:

    Hi juli,

    I just exposed to your story few days ago. Can we get together on any IM you like to use say Skype or whastapp? Glad to have some talks with you.

    If you do please reply to email.

    Thanks

  7. smco says:

    assalamualaikum sister. i feel a lil bit terrible for you. for what ever happens to you. but sister, i hope you’ll never lose hope. believe in Allah. you must be very lucky instead, because He test you with such things. i pray for Allah to guide you and love you sister. insha Allah.

  8. putra7gunung says:

    Asalamualaikum dear….TAHNIAH dari suara saudari yg mula memberi kesedaran kp kami dari sebuah tidur yg lena. i tersentuh n terpanggil untuk kita sepakati agar ada jalan keluar…jelas utk kita manusia..HIDUP INI BUKAN MUDAH…cuma diberi kurnia ALLAH keyakinan n AKAL untuk kita berfikir….Tindakan u jelas benar agar kami berfikir untuk lebih saling mendekati n berhemah dalam bertanya khabar. Tidak salah jika u bersikap mengHINA kewujudan Allah n Nabi Muhammad Rasulullah dlm saat kedukaan u yg tidak boleh di kawal …..NAMUN biar kita saling sepakat utk mencari satu keINDAHAN baru sebagai jalan keluar. TO ME …u masih RANGBULAN yg masih indah biar pun ada yg memandang dari sisi yang gelap. PERCAYALAH ….jika u membuka sedikit ruang utk i or DATO ALWI …TAN SRI annuar daptberada di celah keloh kesah u….kita akn dpat kembalisejuknya embun pagi n matahari pasti tetap bersinar indah. BUKALAH rang ini….ISLAM ajar kami kasih sesama kita…ini ISLAM di sudut ilmu yg i belajar….ISLAM TIDAK AJAR DENDAM…ISLAM TIDAK AJAR MENGHINA….ISLAM ITU SATU GEGAMAN TANGAN KITA BERSAMA…Jika u boleh ingat detik kebejstanj memori lama…pasti u boleh ingat bahawa ALLAH itu BENAR…MUHAMMAD itu adalah utusan utk menyampaikan kebenaran. Islam itu BERSIH dan putih dari segala cahaya…yg hitam itu bkn Islam tetapi penganutnya yg lemah jiwanya…..so give ur hand …we try to soft it ….we still love u like ALLAH more love u…..PERCAYALAH …..my FB – rahime yusoff

  9. diana says:

    percaya la pada Allah, Juli.. awak seorang hamba Allah daripada sang Pencipta.. ingat balik kejadian di mana kita dijadikan.. ingat balik pada fitrah alam.. ini semua dugaan darinya untuk kita menajdi semkain kuat.. Allah menjadikan awak seorang yang ceridk, seorang yang cantik, diberi didikan agama yg secukupnya dari ibu bapa awak.. saya sentiasa mendoaakan awak agar kembali kepada ajaran islam yang sebenar.. you’re brilliant enough, do not make you a good sense that can bring down your self-esteem.. we love you.. really love you.. although we do not know each other, but you’re still our sisters in islam.. please.. bacala Alquran.. fahamilah segala isinya.. saya tahu anda masoh lagi mengingati ayat2 alquran sebab awak memang ada basic since school right.. berkawan dengan org yg positif.. carikla sahabat yang bole membimbing awak ke jalan yang diredhai.. dunia kita semakin hampir ke penghujungnya.. ini semua adalah dugaan dariNya.. saya juga penah mengalami pengalamn yang sukar sewaktu kecil, tapi saya jadikan itu sebagai satu semangat lagi untuk menjadi muslim yang baik.. saya masih lagi dalam pembelajaran juga.. ada lagi mereka di luar sana yang mengalami trauma yang lebih teruk, tapi mereka sesekali tidak akan jadikan itu sebagai kehancuran hidup mereka.. islam adalah sebaik2 & seindah agama.. bacalah. hayatilah, & fahamila isi alquran itu sendiri.. saya pada mulanya agar emosional pabila mengetahui keadaan anda yang agak terpesong.. tapi tidak adil jika kita tidak mengetahui the root cause yang sebenarnya kan.. maafkan saya jika saya terlalu emosional.. kami ingin Juli kembali semula ke landasan yang benar.. biarlah kita sesama Islam bersama2 ke jannah Allah yang kekal selamanya.. ingat balik saat kematian kita nanti.. just remember.. dunia ini hanyalah persinggahan kita semata.. yang mana kekal abadi adalah alam akhirat sana.. kite digalakkan untuk berlumba2 mencari pahala di dunia untuk bekalan kita.. saya dapat rasakan.. Juli pasti ada harapan untuk kembali pada ALlah.. bertaubatla.. mungkin ada hikmah di sebalik kejadian yang menimpa Juli.. dengan adanya keterbukaan juli selama ini akan membuka mata2 ibu bapa agar setiap kata anak2 didengari.. bukan dikeji.. semoga ibu bapa di luar sana dapat jadikan blog ini atau kenyataan dari Juli sebagai suatu pengajaran yang amat berguna.. semoga pintu taubat sentiasa terbula untuk mu.. sesungguhnay Allah Maha Pengampun lagi pemaaf.. salam sayang dari saya ..

  10. keff says:

    Hidup ini cuma sesingkat waktu dari pencipta buat hambaNya. Yang dibawa bersama cuma lafaz tauhid, Tiada Tuhan SelainNya. Dan kita sememangnya hamba yang selama hidup tidak pernah terhindar dari dosa. Binalah kekuatan dari sisa2 yang mungkin ada di dlm diri utk kembali mencari, semoga dgn rahmat dan kasih sayangNya, setapak demi setapak saudari melangkah ke arahNya akan terbuka jalan yang bakal menyinari semula hidup saudari…inshaAllah. Ameen ya Rabbal Alameen..

  11. Sam says:

    When you write for the whole world, then the whole world write back to you. You can’t stand it? *light bulb* Your are all fucked up…. and you know your like it.

    But you blame god! Since when? Since nobody is attracted to you anymore?

    Religions don’t suck. Your fat belly is.

    If you are still attractive, you’ll be living a happy life. You know that, don’t you?

  12. Have you seen a psychiatrist to help you deal with your trauma? Deep rooted trauma isn’t easy to deal with alone…or even with many…if the many aren’t professionals in this field. I have friends who lash out at god because they couldn’t or wouldn’t lash out at their abusers. They end up hating themselves, hating people around them, hating their circumstances, pushing away those who genuinely want them, hating god – in short, playing victim to the max. A few found themselves again after many sessions with a psychiatrist.

    I pray that you will be one of the few. I pray that you will be able to love yourself again. I pray that you will be able to recognise love all around you and be courageous enough to experience it – disappointments and all. I pray you will find Allah again.

    Just as we seek to escape from pain, we should also seek to discover joy, seek to discover that pain doesn’t break us, that running away isn’t always productive or effective in the long run.

    You have exhibited amazing courage in coming out of your closet. I’m SURE you have the courage to find yourself again – with the same zeal you smother the old you.

    May all be well with you 🙂

  13. Agnes says:

    U r wonderful Juli.. I love u. Hugs

  14. Nur says:

    Hi I’m a student doctor currently doing psychiatry. I’ve seen a lot of the exact same cases as you’ve been through at the young adult unit in st patricks’ hospital. The things that you’ve gone through really were issues that most of my patients have. Psychiatrist would be a source of help for you which may guide you through recovery. And I speak this through seeing the good outcomes of many people who seek help from psychiatric service.

  15. nobody here wants to believe the logics of life . example when these laws were written we didnt have social media or even proper clothes for that matter . people here seemed to embrace the technology created by a jew when they clearly hate people of that religion regardless of how nice they are in person . you must remember any technological product we get our hands on today will somehow have an involvement of a jew .

    • yup. on one hand they have no problem hating and blaming the Jews and the kafirs, on the other hand they forget if it weren’t for the Jews and kafirs, there won’t be phones, computers, cars, etc

  16. ex muslim says:

    I hate 90% of the malays/muslims who commented on this blog. Dah dia tak percaya kat Allah, takyah lah nak sibuk sebut nama Allah tu. Bodoh melayu. Islam is like cancer. It makes malays lose their identity, compassion, tolerance, and the ability to think and act rationally. Mungkin benar if Islam tidak wujud dunia lebih aman

    • i know right. kalau orang islam sendiri pun, kalau dah tau orang tu islam, tetiber orang ugama lain nak berdakwah, tak rasa nak tampar sebiji? first time okay, kita cakap elok2 taknak, dua kali tahan lagi, dah berpuluh2 kali? rasa nak terajang sekor2 bengap tak paham bahasa

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