Emilie’s Diary: Memory Trigger

Posted: February 21, 2014 in Psychology, Sex, Social

depression-080309-main-424x283I used to wonder about my recollections of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child.  What I remember today are merely snapshots of flashbacks.  Just like those in those black and white movies.  I  recall vividly at least several separate occasions based on the different timing and locations when and where they happened.  However, details greatly vary.  I cannot pinpoint chronology, nor can I describe how each episode began or ended for the most part.  Why do I bother to know?  Perhaps it is best not to remember at all; yes, the thought crossed my mind many times.  I cannot help which memory I’ve carried with me for the longest time or which I’d chosen to forget.  Nevertheless, they’re there, so I’m actually more curious to know why those, and not others that I remember.  Or if they are actually real, and not something I made up for whatever reason.  Of course they are not made-up, but if anybody accuses me of such, will I be able to justify my story?

Sometime ago, I came across a video which provided some clues to understanding this.  At the end of the video, the speaker narrates his conversation with a young death row inmate whose life was certain to doom since he was a child; at a tender age of five, his paranoid schizophrenic mother tried to kill him with a butcher knife.  Curious, he asked the boy if he remembers anything, perhaps all he remembers was what people had told him; the boy, leaned forward and said “Professor, I don’t mean any disrespect by this, but when your momma picks up a butcher knife that looks bigger than you are, and chases you through the house, screaming she’s gonna kill you, and you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and leaned against the door and hollered for help until the police gets there, that’s something you don’t forget.”  (The rest of the video doesn’t really relate to my subject matter but I recommend watching it anyway for a few good things – understanding the suffering, proactive vs. reactive problem solving skills).

So, I call it “memory trigger.”  What the boy experienced was something emotionally intense (Fear.  Butcher knife).  However, a trigger does not need to be intense.  It just needs to be distinctive that it is memorable.  It can be something as trivial as a simple sound, smell, taste or vision, and it may only last for a few seconds.  The recollections are pieces of memory that center around the trigger.  These faded patches that provide the details are sort of unintended consequences of that trigger, really.

So I thought through the events that I believed had taken place in order to test this theory and for each event, identify the associated memory trigger.  The most vivid would have to be this one particular experience.  I was napping.  I was little, couldn’t have been more than four or five years of age.  I woke up to find a man spooning me, his penis between my legs.  Not inside my vagina, just between my legs.  I was a bit afraid I suppose, but I was more drowsy and having just woken up and confused, not sure of what to do.  He then realized I was awake, I guess my body must have stiffened all of a sudden.  He slowly pulled away, got up – all the while me remaining still with my back towards him – and as he was putting on his pants, his belt buckle clinked.  That clink.  That clink that remains with me until today.  That clink was the trigger that made me remember.

And then there was the one when my mom was cooking in the kitchen.  I was in a locked room with this man.  My abuser.  He did things to me, details are sketchy, but the sound of fish frying was loud and clear and it stuck in my brain until today.  And the one when we kids were playing hide and seek and I hid under the bed covers among unfolded laundry and this neighbor teenage boy slid his hand into my panties.  I refused, but he started saying another girl friend of mine didn’t refuse when he did the same thing so I should let him.  The musky and dusty air under the covers, along with the words that he whispered to me, were the memory trigger.

One night when I was 11, I was staying with a married cousin, and I woke up, and I realized my cousin’s adolescent brother was breathing heavily on my neck.  It frightened me but I froze.  I didn’t tell anyone.  And there was the one with the neighbor’s teenage son, we kids we were playing in the attic and then he must have told his sister to leave, because I forgot what happened next except that he fucked me, and afterwards told me not to tell my parents.  I remember putting my panties back on, one with black and white stripes.  The heavy breathing and my striped underwear were the trigger.

And then there was the painful one.  One day my family and I were watching television and I was lying on a metal swing in the living room at the back under the covers and this guy, a regular abuser, slipped his hand and started touching my vagina.  Yes, I liked it.  By then I was a regular masturbator, so when he told me to follow him to the balcony in the back, I relented. He locked the door and we fucked.  It was good, but it was also very painful.  Afterwards, he unlocked the door and I went to pee and I remember the sharp pain.  My memory trigger.  And as far as I am concerned, that was the last time I allowed them to touch me.

I used to think, was there something seriously wrong with me?  How did I manage to attract these men? I was 5 when it first happened and 11 when I told them to stop.  Exactly how many times, I do not know.  I only remember the ones with memory triggers.  But what I know for sure, that was the time when the self-hating and self-blaming started and lasted for the next 20 years or so.

  1. Far says:

    I am a muslim woman. I hate how muslims do not follow the true teaching instead became very hungry for sex, do bad things to others, dishonest and liars . I understand how you have gone through of all these while without the courage to speak and tell truth to put the villain in punishment. You were confused. There is really a problem with muslims these days. they are hypocrites, hollier-than-thou and whatnots. But pls, I beg you, pls stop insulting my religion. It is not the religion that has betrayed you, it is the people, the culprits and the society. I do hope you are doing well with your life and all the miserable has been put off. As long as you dont do harm to people, your life still shine. I do respect you, you are a strong woman. To be honest, I want to love you.

    • ismail ghazali says:

      Agreed. Mindless people around you regardless of their religion doesnt represent the religion. Be fair to people with or without any believe. Just word of caution, stupid + angry + bad religion understanding on kafir and jihad + family humiliation + provoking statement by both parties = killing and dying…. action and reaction. Cause and effect. Take care and act wisely. Wish you were given more time and space to search for what is right for your heart. Follow your heart and you should be fine.

    • Angel says:

      Ditto. I wanna hug and love you too, Em.

      Broke into tears reading your posts and I got really angry. Am not angry at you but of cos to those scumbags who have hurt you.

      I wish you well. Take care !

    • Far says:

      Even tila tequila was a porno actress (she’s dead now) kept using the word “God” and she seems like a good civilized god created being http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lVSCWdxYVk . People supported you Emelie because we have empathy, pls dont betray our empathy by going “bold” and challenge us on our faith. I read ur fb posts like you feel power over us because we sympathized you. YOU ARE DEAD WRONG.

    • Far says:

      You know what? Tila Tequila was even high life than you, you low life. Sorry, you don’t deserve my respect anymore you are rude. You asked for respect and acceptance. We showed you. But in return, you flipped, you betrayed us and you hurt us. Wasn’t it peace that you want so much? yet, you are promoting hatred. Heck, now I know why you had such a horrible life, you never had pity and be grateful is the least you could do. STOP YOUR NONSENSE.

      • Far says:

        another murtad in the world of internet? heh, dont think your life is a phenomenon to apostasy and “closet breaker”. people can accept you if u are an atheist with a sense of respect towards others. After all, respect is earned, not gained.

        People, she even has her own Bambal fb page created by her purposely but denied it.

        Quit it, people. Let her ramble and attack Islam. We lose nothing. We had done our job to educate her, but she wants to feel power? let her. Now move on people. Nothing to see here. Dont bother.

      • and yet here you are.

        Me 1
        you 0

      • riiiiiight. and here you are in my blog condemning me. you say you don’t bother, but you’re leaving a comment. i don’t pay attention to what you say, i pay attention to what you do.

    • If you want to love me, please do not tell me what to do or what to think. You have a choice to always not read what I write. If you so that, I assure you, no harm will come your way. All I do is write, I do not report anybody to the police, I do not break up families, I am against all types of violence, even towards my enemies. Do not beg me of anything. I do not know you, you are a stranger, you just know me on the internet, and all of a sudden, you wanna dictate me what to think or say? Fuck your Allah for making you so self-righteous and self-absorbed. The world does not revolve around you.

    • I don’t harm anybody, but who the hell do you think you are begging me to do anything? I hold Islam responsible for a lot of things, so yes I blame Islam and I will not stop insulting it. So you can piss off and stop reading the stuff I write. Your love is so fake. Full of conditions. Fuck off lady.

  2. relax says:

    Those happened when you were not baligh yet. Dosa and pahala will only be incurred once someone is baligh. Thus, you did not incur the dosa of those events which happened when you were not baligh yet. One more thing, once someone perform taubat nasuha, she/he will be free of all dosa since Allah has already forgiven those dosa. Insya Allah.

    • ismail ghazali says:

      My dear muslim brother. We should constraint our self from shavel out our preach and advice to soul in hurt. Please read, listen and understand carefully the issue in hand. We not fighting their war and stop jugmenting and comparing it with our life experience. Respect and response can be earn…. be mindful.

    • If you were my mother telling me all that, I think I’d have committed suicide by now. Islam makes you stupid, is that it? Completely missing the point.

  3. megat says:

    To be fair, we should analyze Qur’an entirely not partially…

  4. Maryam says:

    IMHO everybody wants to be loved and love somebody…and you can’t find that with people. my advice is try to find a way to love Allah and amazing things will happen in your life..I have been thru a lot of pain for several years until i finally realize that I should love Allah and Muhammad a little bit more than love people…

    just my 20cents…

  5. No name says:

    Hello Emilie.

    I was in the same boat as yours. I was born in a family that’s perfectly normal, practicing life like a normal muslim. When I was 5, I remember back then my cousins would come to our house, sleepover, and we all slept in front of the TV together everyday.

    One of those days, I remember clearly, distinctly, significantly – it was early in the morning but the sun was already shone through the windows of the living room (where my brother, cousins and I were sleeping); I woke up feeling pain in my vagina. My older cousin was licking my v. He was shocked that I was awoken as he licked it, he stopped and whisper in my ear ” Don’t tell mama”. He’s referring to my mom. I didn’t know what kind of feeling I felt back then, psyched maybe?
    But I did not tell anyone.

    Again, the same cousin called me to come into my parents’ room, I can’t remember where my mom was, my brother was really attached to video games, so he didn’t realise I went into that room.
    My cousin shoved his penis, asked me to lick it. But I refused. I just do not understand what he wanted. Then he tried to put it into my v, a tinge of pain when he first try, then I kicked and moved because I felt that pain. Luckily he didn’t manage to F me. My mom arrived from somewhere so I was lucky.

    When all of us were laying in front of the TV, we were putting ourselves under the blanket, that’s when he started to touch my v. And I understand what you felt. I liked it. I blamed myself for many years when I thought about it. I felt ‘I’m fucked’ though I was never really being raped. He never succeeded, my cousin.

    I know my pain that I endure, is nothing, not even half as the pain that you bear. But, I really hated myself for liking him touched my v, and I masturbated as well. And I repent, and I did it again, then I repent. I felt like trash. I asked myself, ‘What the heck I’m doing?’

    I blamed God at first. Just like you.
    I’m a muslim.

    In this world, there are only four person that I told this story. When I was 18, I felt I will go crazy, I thought I was going to lose my mind, I wished I am rich and can see a psychologist, because they kept our privacy matters confidential, but in the end I told my brother with a heavy tears in my eyes. Just like that, I felt and HUGE, HEAVY BURDEN that I was enduring, lifted from my shoulder.

    Then I told a friend that I trust, I know that she will never tell anyone about this.

    When I met the person that I love, I felt that I am not worthy of him, he is pious, he has a soft-heart, warm, gentle, and he is serious about the relationship. So I told him, preparing if he will reject me forever.
    But we are still together until now, and we are getting married soon.

    He accepted me.

    The fourth person I told, is you. And your readers.

    But you know, I never tell those three above that I liked what I did, I didn’t even tell that I masturbated. I am ashamed. Of myself.

    I said that I blamed God earlier right?
    Yeah, I did. But as I grew older, I found out that the man that I despise has already lived his life like shit. He did not succeeded in what he did in his life, then I realised Allah do hear his servants’ prayer, He has MERCY.

    Even if the man that I despise live happily in this world, in my belief, it is his matters between him and Allah, and I don’t think it is fair for me to blame Allah.
    Why, each human was created with brain, to think.
    Some human just don’t think and chose the wrong path.It may turned out to be the right one.
    Some human did thought about something but did not really give a whole thought about it, just partially.

    I figured, that, I blamed Allah just to run away from the mistake that I made, without thinking. I liked what I did because I didn’t use my own brain, whether the thing that I’ve done was a good thing or a bad thing. Why do I have to channel the fault to Allah?

    In Islam, it says “A good man for a good woman, A good woman for a good man”.
    I’m no good woman, but I tried to change, I tried to make reading Quran after prayer my routine, and though my routine is completely a mess, I prayed to Allah to let me meet a good man, to lead my life, Alhamdulillah. I met him. Just an inch away, I hope Allah will allow me to live with this man my whole life and learn more about Islam from him, with him together.

    I m not here to preach to you nor asking you to accept the way I think, I’m here just to share with you how did I managed to accept my past willingly, though at times, the memory will surely triggered.

    The life that we chose to live reflected who we are, and I hope that you live a really good, great life.

    • Pia says:

      shedding tears while am reading this 😥

    • mael says:

      perkongsian terbaik…semoga anda bahagia bersama pasangan…

      mengadu pada Allah, itulah yang sebaiknya…bukan mengadu pada manusia…tak kemana pon,

      apa yang trjadi, fikirkan hikmahnya..bukan anda sorang saja Juli yang hadapi peristiwa hitam ni, ramai lagi…

  6. shahrel81 says:

    Juli, I have read all of your posts and I am convinced that you are still being obsessed with your bad experience in your childhood, having a huge curiosity of mind which is undeniably a bright type of person, having enormous barriers to pour everything out which is blocked by religion and it makes you unfree, living in a community that pissing u off rather then encouraging u answering u the way u ever wanted as u have so many whys. I see you have concluded all of these issues with your own point of view without referring to any reliable books which is u were definitely going to need a guider to translate each bait of verses relating to the ‘why’ u had in mind. I am a little confused when reading your posts which was describing u as a discussable person but finally turns out bursting people around besides insult Islam and Allah which was potrayed in a very improper way in your facebook account.

    Juli, i wonder if u have ever asked Allah to guide and forgive u for what you have gone through in this life, and do not despair of hoping. U are so fortunate, I suppose, for the stories u told, I can see Allah is still giving u a chance to think and keep seeking the truth.

    But, my advise is, if you want people to treat u nicely, u must start it first and things will happen naturally, its the matter of your belief, keep seeking and do not despair. Do not even insult others’ religions freely as it wont resolve your problems and answered your whys but could invite many bad things to yr life like death threats, bad comments, etc. Look at yourself, the miracles within yourself, brain, skin, hair, eyes etc are so perfect which have to thanked to whom created u (no matter who u think the creator is but there must be one). u should also smile and always be grateful for the air u breathe, a pair of legs u have got to go wherever u want, a nice hands to type whatever u feel deep inside your heart, they are all like a gift to u.

    Last but not least, I am on behalf of many other muslims who always care, be optimistic and dont look back if it might turn u down, search for the truth that can unlock many doors and at the end of the day, everything is going to be answered. Finally, find a spare time to learn Arabic language because by learning it, u may then see the beauty and miracle of the Quran. Till then, have a great n fruitful day.

  7. en lan says:

    agama kalau berada di tangan org bijak,pandai,genius maka akan jadi indah dan cantik
    tapi kalau berada di tgn puak2 bodoh,jumud,kuno akan jadi hitam,rosak,mengerikan
    sorry aku tak pandai english tapi aku tak suka ustad2 pondok bagi ceramah sesat

    • lan kodak says:

      ko ni macam bagus sagt la lan..ustaz pondok bagi bagi ceramah sesat?nampak sgt di situ la kebodohan ko..ingat ustaz pondok takde ngaji masuk U ke?tak belajar luar negara ke?

      yg ada, paling ramai manusia jahil mcm ko..

      bila kita nak belajar sesuatu tak kira ugama ke ape ke, sambil belajar gunakan akal..tak nafi ada yg sesat, tapi takleh pukul rata semua camtu..sebab tu perlu berguru dgn ramai orang…tanda orang yg berilmu, baik dia amalkan apa yg dia ajar kat orang..kalau nama ustaz tapi dok maki hamun orang, itu mmg ada, tak layak buat guru

    • Jong Jong Inai says:

      x degih apo doh kawe jenab ni ore kato gajoh rimo pun. ore kato pun xdok apo, ore v nasehat pun samoteloh la. mugo meme dio hok nak lagutu tugak. yo sero sedak duk lagutu. baik suruh pado lare. saye ko tuey

  8. adik says:

    kakak, be strong.. i understand ur pain. 😥 may ur journey to find the ultimate happiness get easy.

  9. Just someone says:

    Akak. It’s not your fault. You should’t blame yourself as those bastards who abused you should be blamed and punished severely. Don’t let judgmental Muslims and society make you hate Allah and Islam. Allah is merciful kak. He loves to test people.Actually His test is to teach us wisdom. Sometimes it’s difficult to understand His wisdom but if we’re patiently enough to go through without giving up on Him, we can see and understand His wisdom. I’m telling you this based on my experience. He does hear you as long as you don’t give up on Him.I did experience 2 incidents of sexual harassment. I was really angry. I felt abused and dirty but I know these are my tests. So, I cried out to Him, I felt better and stronger. I know He is Just and will punish those bastards. He loves to test us, kak. Don’t ever give up on Him and then you can understand His wisdom and feel His love. Your hatred towards others and Islam have prevented you from sensing His love. I can feel that He still loves you kak. If He didn’t, He wouldn’t send some Muslims to tell you to repent. Ignore those Muslims who want to kill you. They are extremist. You might insult or deride my post, but without Allah I’ve already killed myself cuz I don’t really like my society. I nearly killed myself kak. If I’m not a Muslim, I would have killed myself. When I started get closer to Him, everything makes sense and I’m stronger than before. We’ve to think positive about Him.
    There’s hadith qudsi Allah stated:

    ““Aku adalah sepertimana sangkaan hambaKu, dan Aku bersama dengannya ketika ia mengingati Aku. Jika ia ingat kepadaKu di dalam hatinya, Aku ingat kepadanya di dalam hatiKu. Dan jika ia ingat kepadaKu di khalayak ramai, nescaya Aku pun ingat kepadanya dalam khalayak ramai lebih baik. Dan jika ia mendekati kepadaKu sejengkal,Aku pun mendekatinya sehasta. Dan jika ia mendekatiKu sehasta, nescaya Aku mendekatinya sedepa. Dan jika ia datang kepadaKu berjalan, maka Aku datang kepadanya sambil belari.”

    Allah stated that He is what we think of Him. If you think negative about Him, He will be according to what you think of Him. I wish I were there for you kak. The time when you were very vulnerable. Actually, Allah does hear you and love you as long as you don’t give up on Him and think positive of Him.

  10. friend forever says:

    dear emilie,

    honestly, i cried when i read your story. u are very strong women. i wish if i can turn back the time, i’ll be ur friend, hug u, be a good listener & let ur tears on my shoulder. i can feel ur pain, as i ever had own horrible experience too.

    my cousin touch my vagina since i’m at 9 years old. there is nobody at home at that time. i’m just playing with my cousin. within that age, what else i know about virginity, rape, etc right? what i know is play, play & play…after i go to bath, both of us being in bedroom. he ask me to open up my pants and start touch my vagina. i don’t know why i just obedient to him as i don’t know what the meaning of it. he told me don’t tell anybody about this including my parents. i just keep the secret about a week, and i tell my mother when my mom start asking me. she give him a warning. after that, i feel ashamed to confront with him. what i heard was he become crazy now. i don’t know why.

    when i’m at boarding school, i had trauma that make me lost hope. i always think that i want to kill myself. i’m keep crying everyday. i don’t like to socialize with others, just continue my life alone. it makes me difficult to trust others. i’m being thankful because at that time, i have a friend who is loyalty to me, always beside me and be a good listener although my story is about the same person, and sometimes same story..i keep questioning what i feel like that. i’m not request to feel like this. why me?why i feel like that?why? at that time, no smile at all on my face, become a silent & angry person. my personality changed. my family worried about me, keep asking me why i become like that. i don’t want to tell them because i know very well how they are. what i do is to be closer to HIM, be patient and patient…always tell myself, there is some hope one day although i don’t know WHEN. i’m been suffering about many years..after that guest what? i find many friends who are so kind to me..at that time i’m very understand and feel what is the mean of UKHWAH – true relationship in Islam. although my trauma is not fully recovered, i mean if i think about it or even someone just say about it, my tears will running easily by itself..but now i think my pain has recovered itself by time.

    i got ‘sihir’ a long time ago, but i just know about it after a few years after. now, i’m being very very thankful why i cannot go to oversea, or why i can’t take a medic course. everything happen with a reason. HE knows very well. during medication by ‘perubatan Islam’ with ustaz, i’m experienced myself how the suffer of ‘jin/syaitan’ when the ustaz read Quran versus. ‘jin/syaitan’ itself are fear with Allah. you may not believe me as it is difficult to prove it by logically. u can search it by yourself at youtube how the reaction of patient who got ‘sihir/histeria/saka’ after being read by Al-Quran. oh ya, forgot to tell you. before this i have already go to hospital and clinic regarding my pain, but they said there is nothing wrong with my body. everything is ok. after cannot stand anymore with the pain, i go to traditional medication. i mean, ‘perubatan Islam’.

    u know what? nobody of my friends very know well about all of this story. i feel ashamed of myself if people know that i have ‘black’ history during my childhood. but i keep telling myself, that was happened when i’m still not baligh yet. i can be a better person if i would. i keep telling myself, it is not my fault. so there is nothing that i need to worried about, as i need to taubat & promise to myself not to repeat again that fault. Allah will help the people who are want to change to be a better person. believe it.

    i’m not come here to advise you. i’m very sure u are very intelligent person. i’m just want share with u my story, although i feel ashamed to share this story. may be u feel that what i have suffered is nothing compared to ur story. it’s up to u what to think about. what can i say, i’m empathy with ur story and always believe that there is some hope regardless how matter your life about. be a strong women, and may you will find ur way..ur peace & calm that u search for..u are not alone dear..

  11. Rosli Zakaria says:

    This is not an advice nor a ceramah..Everything that have been said and wrote certainly was a wake up call and lesson learnt for all the Muslim..Akhlak is the most important thing in the world..Many Muslims do not practice what they preach..Having said that tho,I must insist here that it is not right also to condemn other peoples belief and their God,in this case Allah for Muslims..I pray that one day,you will find the answer to all your question and May Allah grant you hidayah and happiness here and hereafter..

  12. sangpenuntunhati says:

    saudari….hanya org yang lemah yang terus menyalahkan takdir yang menimpa hidup…… renungkan setiap apa yang berlaku dalam diri kita, tinggalkan yang perit, pandang ke hadapan….insyaallah saudari akan nampak kasih Allah di mana-mana….

  13. nurul naisha says:

    Emilie, maaf tanya. You ade pegi dapatkan rawatan psikology ke. Kesan yang terjadi pada you selepas perkara buruk tu tak ade kena mengena dengan agama.
    I almost try to destroy myself but I realise I am really mentally sick n admit I have problem so I get help.
    Pls get help from kaunseling n psikitris.
    Do whatever it takes to erase the bad memories.

  14. dear says:

    Get help…n get close to allah.i’m wondering…where are your family..?get united with the so that they can help you.insyaallah.

  15. Dya says:

    Dear Emily,
    Called me, Dya. An ordinary Malay n Muslim girl. 20 years old this year. Still young n still searching for the right path. I do impress with your courage and brave speaking out what you wanted . Let Malaysian open up mind n see the reality what’s going on outside. How we are always been cover with the hypocrites mindset. My journey life is a bit similar like u my dear. I am one of the top students in Malaysia. A holder for one of the top scholarship in Msia. My family is quite religious. Tapi iman tak dapat diwarisi. That’s make a point I can’t be myself. Always been control n what so ever. U see, even we can perform well in studies they must be something each individual gonna hide. Like me, I’ve met several Malay men. I do love malay men charisma, confident, BUT they are suck. You know why, they fuck us but they don’t know how to treat us! Tau fuck tp tak pnd hargai. Gratefully, I found my man. He is an Indian. Well, who cares. I love him. He brighten, threaten me well. He knows what woman want. He shows me the path, lead me to be a PERSON. Yes, sometimes I fell guilty to my parent. But, my childhood life I never never get what I want. U know, everything is control. N they even look down with my capabilities n confident. I love them but who else want to love me rather than myself. I don’t know. I just wanted to be myself n face the ultimate happiness.
    I am looking forward if I could have some conversation with u Emily. Much appreciate if u could take a look on my comment. Continue to be a silent reader

    • LOLA says:

      yes. i hate malay and muslim men too. they dont know how to appreciate women!!!!!!!!!!! but i love Allah and Muhammad!!!

      • mael says:

        kesian Lola..manusia ni ada baik, ada jahat..lelaki, perempuan apa bangsa semua sama je.jangan hanya kerana sorang lelaki/perempuan jahat, semua dicop jahat..kata benci lelaki islam, tetapi sayang Nabi Muhammad saw, nabi kita tu bukan lelaki? sahabat2 nabi takde lelaki?lelaki melayu islam harini takde langsung yang baik ke? ustaz ismail kamus, ustaz haron din, ustaz don jahat ke?

        jgn kerana anda jumpa lelaki melayu jahat, semua lelaki melayu jahat..ada akal guna la dengan baik.masih ramai lelaki di luar sana yang baik, yang menghargai wanita.isu di sini, peristiwa hitam yg juli lalui semasa zaman kecik, memang cukup sedih, saya sorang bapa yg juga ada anak perempuan, ada perasaan…adakah tidak berasa apa2 jika berlaku pada anak sendiri? sbg manusia, bapa yg normal, perbuatan terkutuk tu tidak boleh diterima..walau apa pun yg terjadi, ingatlah Allah sentiasa ada..dekatkan diri pada Allah.nescaya Allah dekat dgn kita..hidup ni ujian, hidup ini sementara..alangkah malangnya kita membuang akhirat selain kerana cintakan dunia, tetapi juga kerana kecewa, sengsara, susah dlm hidup.. mungkin ada kata cakap memang mudah la, tak kena diri sendiri…cuba kena……tidak percayakah pada janji Allah?

        pada juli, selagi hayat dikandung badan, selagi nyawa masih di badan, pintu untuk bertaubat masih terbuka luas…kisah silam anda, anda tidak berdosa, tidak bersalah..kembalilah, rawat jiwamu dgn agama…berzikirlah, beribadatlah, dekatkan diri dgn agama, insya Allah hati akan menjadi tenang…..

        kata2 dorongan, motivasi dari yg menyokong tindakan anda sekarang di fb, dari orang sekeliling anda tidak akan ke mana, kerana dorang pon tidak betul, anda sendiri tau walau nak nafi, tidak akui tapi kebenaran tidak disembunyi,,

        sampai bila nak dilayan perasaan kecewa, sedih, marah kisah silam tu? sampai bila nak biar rasa yang dipendam sejak dari kecil tu, sampai ke dalam kubur?

        adakah selesai masalah dgn jadi atheis? itu soalan untuk anda fikir2kan, sementara waktu amsih ada, sebelum kita semua dijemput pulang mengadap Pencipta..

    • Abdillah says:

      Salam dya….hope dya sihat…dya…hidup didunia bukan untuk sesiapa..tapi Allah buat ini semua hanya utk menguji…ujian semata2….Allah jadikan apa shj didunia ni berpasang2an.Cantik lawannya buruk baik lawannya jahat…terlalu Adil Allah itu.Allah jadikan semua yang ada bukan nak dambakan apa2 cuma nak tahu sejauh mana manusia dan seisi alam ini dapat patuh dan ikut apa yang Dia mahukan.andai ke kiri pilihan kita maka kita akan ke kiri n jika kanan kita pilih maka ke kanan jua haluan kita.Allah xpernah rugi melainkan kita sendiri yang pilih untuk jadi hamba yang jauh dari kasih sayangNya.semua pilihan di tangan kita.tapi ingat…pilihan kita hari ini penentu masa depan kita Di SANA nanti.Jangan tanya KENAPA tapi tanyalah APA HIKMAHNYA.sebagai hamba kita hanya mampu taat dan patuh bukan mempersoal dan mempertikaikan.kalau kita yakin adanya syurga dan neraka maka kita takkan bimbang dengan apa yang dah Allah tentukan dalam hidup kita selagi kita sentiasa ikut ArahanNya..Allah itu benar dan tiada yang benar selain dia.Dia juga yang menciptakan manusia yang menentang dan yang taat padanya…Berdoalah sentiasa agar kita sentiasa dlm rahmatnya bukan dalam amarahnya.Jika juli diuji begini ianya menjadi iktibar sekalian yang ada di muka bumi ini…Pilih samada ingin turut sama kekiri atau dengan akal yang Allah pinjamkan itu tanpa Allah minta gantirugi untuk fikir benarkah tindakan juli ini?dengan Nyawa yang Allah berikan dengan segala anggota yang Allah pinjamkan dengan urat saraf yang berhubung Allah ciptakan…masih layakkah kita mempersoalkan keupayaan Allah….Semuanya di dalam pengetahuan dan rahsia ALLAH.kejarlah apa yang dituntut tinggallah jauh2 apa yang dilarang….bertaubatlah selalu walaupun kita rasa kita tak berdosa sedangkan dosa itu ibarat debu.Kata ini bukan tunjuk kepandaian diri namun selagi masih waras dan Allah izinkan untuk membuat pilihan tepat maka sya coretkan ini.Harap2 sy tidak diuji seberat yang tak mampu saya pikul dan galas sebegini.Andai terjadi harap ada insan2 yang sudi ingatkan saya tetntang pencipta yang meminjamkan segalanya yang saya miliki hari ini.Wallahua’lam…

  16. Fazidah says:

    Dearest dear,
    Sangat sedih bila baca cerita adik.
    Apapun, yg dah jadi tetap dah jadi. Air yang mengalir pergi xkan dapat ditadah semula.
    Adik, kakak hanya mampu berdoa semoga satu hari adik bertemu jalan pulang. Insya Allah, harapan sentiasa ada.
    Take care, ye.

  17. akunye says:

    Excuse me dya n lola…, im malay guy..not all malay guys like that k…

  18. Kakak, kita sama2 budak ANSARA. Allah masih bagi peluang pada kakak dan sehingga kini Allah tak balas walau akak dah caci maki Allah. Inilah sebabnya umat Nabi Muhammad diutamakan sbb kita hidup selepas kewafatan Nabi Muhammad SAW tapi kita tetap percaya Islam yang dibawanya. Semoga kakak kembali ke fitrah. Saya fikir Kakak pun tahu yang Allah cuma menduga hambaNya dengan dugaan yang mampu dipikul oleh mereka. Allah pinjamkan akal yang hebat pada akak, akak mampu berfikir melangkaui kemampuan orang lain. Jadi gunalah akal yang dipinjamkan tu sebaiknya bagi menghargai pengalaman ngeri yang dilalui untuk menjadikan kakak manusia yang lebih baik dan bermanfaat pada makhlukNya yang lain. Jangan putus asa dengan Allah. Jika akak give up…akak pun sama dengan mereka yang merogol dan merosakkan kehidupan kakak.

  19. Ifa says:

    Dear sis, I’ve been reading your blog few days ago. There are some videos that I want sis to check out. Of course, it’s about Islam. The choice to open it or not, I’ll leave to you. (I don’t think it matter to open it if we truly believe what we believe in. I’ve learned a little bit of Bible and Hinduism, still I believe Islam is the best)

    I know some people have mention it but again, many Muslims today are not practicing the real Islam. Hopefully, you are not one of the people who judge Islam based on some or many Muslims who not practicing it.

    Have a nice day, sis.

  20. Ifa says:

    Sorry for the same link video i give to you.
    The other video is this

  21. Sam says:

    You’re a screwed up big time! You don’t have child abuse memory. You are just a cheap attention seeker… since like forever!

    Go on, go crazy, go schizo, you will not die tomorrow so that you can live another day a miserable life.

    Bitch! Nobody loves your fat ass anymore!

  22. megat says:

    Juli, whose ur fav teacher masa kat KT? We’re frm same mjsc 🙂

  23. Ibnu says:

    *sigh… let repent… sorry i dont know your real name but i wanna call u as Nur cos u are a good girl.. dear Nur this words might sound cliche.. but Islam is the way of life. always… dont look the nightmares that u bear last day as yourself today cos everybody wont it happen right. Islam doesn’t punish u. do rethink what people who be nice around u not the bad people around u. This world has a lot people who love u. me want love u as a friend and beg to u to forget everything bad in your past life. your memory trigger. OMIT it… 🙂 -your truly friend- 🙂

  24. nut says:

    juli.. the past is past dear.. dont burden ur past experience to judge the religious (islam).. in alquran said : WAHAI ORG YG BERIMAN.. not muslim.. so that, it is different between WAHAI ORG YG BERIMAN N MUSLIM.. u should learn more about quran, dear…

  25. Aduka says:

    Pesanan kepada semua kwn2 seislam yg berada di Malaysia….

    Sudah sampai masanya kita memberi tumpuan kepada golongan2 yg lebih memerlukan yg berada di dlm negara kita…yg didepan mata kita. Dah terlampau byk nasihat2..kata2…dalil2 yg disampaikan kepada saudari Juli melalui FB/Blog…dan saya rasa beliau mmg memahami apa yg cuba disampaikan. Dan seperti yg kita sedia maklum, beliau tetap dgn pendirian beliau, so hormatilah pendirian beliau itu. Biarlah dia dgn dunia dan kwn2 dia…

    Adalah lebih baik sekiranya kita membantu golongan2 yg lebih memerlukan, yg nasib mereka lebih teruk dan lebih malang dari saudari Juli yang berada lebih dekat dgn kita daripada kita memberi tumpuan pada seseorang yg jauhnya beribu batu… Cthnya: penghuni rumah perlindungan org2 tua…Last week saya ke sana, dan saya dapati nasib mereka jauh lebih malang, lebih sengsara dan lebih menyedihkan… Kalau diperhalusi latarbelakang atau pengalaman2 yg dilalui oleh setiap org penghuni rumah org2 tua tersebut, kita akan dapati mereka lebih memerlukan bantuan…bimbingan..kasih sayang kita semua… berbanding dgn saudari Juli. Sekurang2nya saudari Juli mempuanyai kerjaya dgn gaji yg sgt lumayan…tempat tinggal…kesenangan material…family yg masih menyayangi beliau… mempunyai kepintaran akal…ilmu pengetahuan yg melimpah ruah…apa yg kurang hanyalah “kepercayaan” pada agama…sedangkan penghuni rumah org2 tua…semuanya hidup penuh kekurangan….pelbagai latarbelakang yg menyedihkan…dan mereka2 ini yg sepatutnya kita utamakan…yg patut kita tingkatkan pengetahuan agama mereka kerana usia mereka sudah dihujung senja…yg esok lusa akan pergi mengadap yg esa…

    Ayuh kwn2 semua…utamakan yg lebih utama…tinggalkan usaha yg sia2…

    • Tau pun. Bodoh orang2 Islam semua ni. Nak menolong aku konon? Pfftt ada aku merayu2 mintak tolong korang sumer?

      • lan kodak says:

        kesian juli..so biarkan dia dengan terjun dalam kesesatan..kerana dia sendiri yang mahu, walaupon tau dia salah.

        ibarat iblis, yang tahu bahawa dia salah,tapi nak lawan juga tuhan kerana ego yg tinggi..dan berbahagialah dia kerna umurnya dipanjangkan hingga hari kiamat…masa hidup dia seronok tak ingat, bangga dia boleh buat apa saje..di akhirat kelaak menyesal tak guna la.

        begitu juga kes juli ni..lantaran kisah silam, dia tinggalkan agama.bila orang bagi nasihat, dia hentam balik, hina islam..takde hal.tak kudis pon juli…janji, masing2 telah jalankan tanggungjawab utk sedarkan ko bahwa ape yg ko buat ini salah…akhirat sana dah lepas

        ko taknak dengar, itu hak ko…sesal dulu pendapatan, sesal kemudian tiada guna..sama la macam iblis nanti…

        sekian dimaklumkan

      • Laaa ko ni, nak bagi nasihat apa nya… Akhirat Tuhan setan tu sumer tak wujud lah. Dalam otak ko tu yang takut sangat. Aku nak takut apa, dah benda tak wujud, ish kamu ni… Dah dah tak yah buang masa. Ko nak percaya, tu hak engkau, takde hal aku nak kacau personal matter. Aku cuma nak korang berpikir tu jer. Fikiran kamu tu terbantut. Dok ulang benda sama. Menyusahkan hidup aku jer tu la pasal aku kutuk. Kalau betul Allah t wujud, ada luak ker aku kutuk? Allah kan power…

  26. ImanNur says:

    Hi Sis Juli. I hope you’re doing fine and still in Allah’s guidance. I have nothing to say or write (though I feel like hugging and embracing you warmly, sis), but the only reason that insist me on commenting your blog is that, I wanted you to read this. I hope you can spend some of your precious time reading Sis Yasmin’s blog and hoping it can enlightened your understanding on God.


    Till we meet in Jannah Sis Juli. Fighting! We were born Muslim and we will die Mu’min. InshaAllah 🙂

  27. Markonah Miss Arrogant says:

    in other side… i saw u failed in controling ur mind to face the life.. the real life….. . ur best result in SPM doesn’t enough to prove that u are best student…. sorry…. do stop insulting Islam as a bad religion…. OK JULI….. past is past…. bear a new life…. be friend with Quran and Islam… inshaallah u will find the way… the way to solve all ur problems which haunted ur mind frequently…. 😉 🙂

    • Yes, but at least my grammar is purrrfect!!

      • shahrel81 says:

        But the perfection does not send you to the Jannah if you are an apostate.

      • you’re judging me by your standards. which heaven? yours? you see, I don’t believe god/heaven/hell/satan exists. So threatening me with non-existent things is as effective as saying a purple dinosaur will eat me if I didn’t do something. It’s useless. The Jannah is in your head, not mine.

      • shahrel81 says:

        sometimes i suppose it is worthless talking to people who has gone too far like you. watch your mouth juli, use your brain wisely and look at all the creatures around u, can they exist without anyone created them? pls consult religious people, do not speculate things using your own opinion and think u r on thr right side, u cant even tell ppl what is going on with your own internal organs although they r inside your body, then do not talk about bigger issues.

      • did I ask you to ask to me? why do you care? I’m a stranger to you. don’t tell me whatever I believe can influence your beliefs now? jeng jeng jeng…. oh btw, religious people are mostly idiots.

      • The lady says:

        Most of you have done enough… I think she is sick even she claimed she has ‘purrrfect’ grammar…. What i see she is far OFF ‘purrrfect’… She is acting like psycho… No point writing or advising to this miss-do-know-who & miss- missssssseerrrrraaabbbly-sick… If she thinks msia is full of ‘stupid’ people like us… Then she should KiCk out!!! ….. Go somewhere else that can accept her narrow and psycho mind.

        I personally pity her for living such a ‘tragic’ childhood. But seemed like she ‘enjoyed’ telling us over and over again… I think at this age, she has gone to 4series… So she must have not getting same attention like before… So Desperado is the purrfect word for her… Plus… She is OLD now and not so ‘attractive’ anymore i guess…

        So everyone… Lets Doa for syria, palestine, mesir and all good muslims around the world rather than being Nice to this whoever Miss Juli-aka-Emelie…

      • go doa somewhere else will ya? why show off? Allah cannot hear you isit?

  28. senseitokyo@gmail.com says:

    Have you married? What will you do when you become an old woman…. You better get married instead of wasting time writting this blog. Wake up, Juli!

  29. Heart2Heart says:

    I cry for the little girl who was raped and didn’t know what was happening. I cry for girls all over the world that uncontrollable men and boys make their victims. Even as we speak. I can make no sense out of it all. I hope, one day, you will be able to let this go like withered memories and not let it drag you down to drown. Like the mother who forgave her son’s murderer. I cannot understand it, but I welcome the release it probably brought her. I pray that your heart finds the solace it seeks. My light salutes your light and its presence in this world.

    • thanks Ima. I think I can forgive the men who did it, but I still cannot forgive how my family, society just brush me off, scared to handle the shame if people found out. i feel like being swept under the carpet. and this happens not just to me, but to many others who are like me.

  30. budu says:

    Bila budu kenal US..mcm nie la jadinye…culture shock..lupa asal usul budu…walhal budu tue terperap dlm tempayan jek…huhuhu hokaloh mung…buat susoh ko mok mengandung Dan beranok…tubik2…kenal dunio…buat mok mung nangis… Jaso mok ayoh pero??? Balas dgn air mato…

  31. Aisya says:

    dear All, my name lulu @Aisya.. sy org cina, tp jiwa sy islam, tubuh sy islam, hati saya islam. sy byk baca dan tau hal2 islam. maaf sy memili utk menggunakan bahasa Malaysia walaupun sya tiada tinggal d malaysia. saya ingin sampaikan sesuatu d sini.

    hari ini sy baru ketemu blog milik juli ini. hati sy sgt sedih, kerna apa yg berlaku. kepada pembaca2 yg marah., angkatkan tangan dan berdoa kepada yg maha pencipta, yg maha besar, YA ALLAH SWT. Agar kita semua d tiupkan iman setiap saat.

    Kepada yg punya masalah.. jgn salahkan diri sendiri, jauh sekali jgn salakah takdir dan Agama kita. Yg jahat itu hanyalah manusia, berhati syaitan. Saya inginkan cerita ttg saya, kenapa sy memilih islam.

    Sy punya seorg ibu angkat, sekarang umurnya 50 th. hidupnya tesgt daif dulunya. Terpaksa menjaga anak2 sendirian, dan dia serta anak2 sering di dera fizikal dan mental oleh suaminya. namun dia tidak pernah mengeloh maupun jauh tida menyalakan Allah.. berusaha, berusaha dan berusaha. Sy sgt sanjung dia, dan kecekalannya serta keabdian dia kepada Allah, benar2 menyentuh hati saya.. buat saya mau mengenali islam, walaupun dia tidak pernah memujuk, memaksa maupun mengajak saya masok islam. Tapi budi pekertinya buat saya luluh. doa saya sentiasa buat anda2 semua, semoga jagalah agama kita. pesanan saya kpd juli, jika anda sudah tidak menyukai sesuatu itu, tidak perlulah anda memperburuk2kannya. anda memerlukan pertolongan jiwa. jika anda yakin pd pegangan anda sekarang, apa perlunya anda mencaci maki kepercayaan org lain. anda rasa insecure? hinga sedaya munkin memperlekehkan org lain? semoga Allah membuka pintu hati anda,.. utk kembali kepangkuan agama, keluarga dan saudara2 islam. Aminnnn

    • aku memperlekehkan agama Islam pasal Islam itu rigid, suka paksa2 orang. aku pun murtad secara sukarela pun tak boleh. kawan2 aku murtad, syiah terus kena declare schizophrenics kena hantar pegi hospital sakit mental. agama tu hak masing2 lah. yang ko datang nak cerita pasal keagungan Islam kat aku ni pehal? aku nak murtad. sepertimana ko secara sukarela masuk islam, macam tu lah aku secara sukarela nak murtad. tu pasal aku kutuk2 Islam. sebab bodoh. double standards nak mampos.

  32. izmi says:

    Bila baca komen-komen diatas…dapat saya simpulkan ramai yg ambil berat dan sayang kak juli walaupun kak juli dah bg tau tak perlukan pendapat atau nasihat. Well, have a nice day.

    • well… kalau awak baca betul2, diorang kata diorang “ambik berat dan sayang” tapi kalau betul kita ambik berat dan sayang, kita akan DENGAR tanpa prejudis. Kita tak akan berdakwah atau bagi nasihat. Dakwah/nasihat itu sebenarnya untuk kepentingan diri masing2, bukan untuk orang yang kita cuba tolong.

  33. dianavirgo26864 says:

    hati dah mati dah ni. semoga mendapat kembali hidayah Allah, kesihan ibu bapa kamu di akhirat nanti..

    • eh eh pesal islam ni jahat yer… aku yang murtad, mak bapak aku yang kena tanggung. bagi aku tanggung dah ler… patut lah agama ni sial… suka blackmail orang rupanya…

  34. dianavirgo26864 says:

    sedih, sedih, sedih…

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  36. Dee Om says:

    ko boleh percaya apa ko nak,, tp jgn hina agama dan kepercayaan org lain.. ceritakan kehebatan kepercayaan ko.. selain boleh bebas buat apa saja

  37. Dee Om says:

    bagi yg suka fuck around ni, memang beno le nak tuko agama.. boleh bebas. caci agama just sbb kelaku boyfriend2 masing2. his..

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